Coincidences Within Reach and the Other Shit That Just Happens

I am not always sure if I believe in coincidences. Most things feel intertwined, it feels as though events are interconnected and fueled through Karmic energy. And sometimes shit just happens. I have been having a very hard time managing my grief this last week or so. Usually that makes me more of a shut in than usual but tonight I decided to go with a friend to a showing of the movie Within Reach. The movie is about a couple that sells everything in order to ride their bikes around the U.S. in the search for a new home in an eco-community in order to pursue a sustainable lifestyle. Is it a coincidence that it touched on so many of the things I needed to hear? Maybe. What I do know is that I walked away with a renewed sense of purpose.

Because my coming home from the Peace Corps went hand in had with my losing Mateo, I have not really had the chance to process that experience or my transition back into the U.S. I really struggle with feeling sucked back into the American way of life and feeling I am betraying the valuable things I learned. For 2 years I went with so little and so I struggle with being here and seeing Americans have so much. I struggle with being one of those Americans. So what do I do? Sell everything I own and bike around the U.S. in hopes of finding something that meets my needs of Peace Corps sacrifice and living? I probably won't do that. What I will do is dedicate year 29 of my life to Sustainable Living and Consciousness.

I have been battling with the idea of my future. What does my life means now post child loss? I get overwhelmed at a lifetime of heartbreak. I have not been looking forward to my 29th birthday. Well it is all still overwhelming and heartbreaking and 29 will be blanketed with grief- but I can also set an intention for this year that is unrelated to my grief. I can create space in my life for fulfilling that desire to become a person of conscious in the way that I consume.

Therefore I declare year 29 The Year of Sustainability and Social Consciousness! What does that mean?
For one whole year, 365 days, 12 months I will make conscious decisions about where I spend my money and what I put in my body. I have created some guidelines to help me come to this place...

* I will not buy anything new- at all-ever

* I will not buy anything I do not need

* The $10.00 Spending Rule

* I will shop local and organic

* I will be kind to myself and to my body

* I will be creative this year- trade, bargain, beg, and wish my way through situations

Of course there will be things I will have to spend money on like Utilities, Gas, and toilet paper and charities. I have made a list of the necessities. The only exception to the rule is my vacation at the end of the year- which I have been planning for and is part of another goal and promise to a friend. We will see all 7 Wonders of the World in 7 years. So beside the week I will spend in Italy later this year I will go back to my Peace Corps roots. Can I do this? Can I really pass up the Victoria Secret semi annual sale? Will I have to deactivate my Amazon account? How the hell am I going to do Christmas? It is going to be a real test of my willingness to recreate my life in a way that turns its back on the excesses of consumerism and embraces sustainability and creativity. I know the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to have. The time is now.

Sad People Will Say. Tragic. Beautiful. Raw. And Broken.

The Hard Human Spring

We are each born with a gift hidden in

a wound, and many years to birth it, each

given a heat to carry and rough seas to calm

it, each seeded with a worthiness, and love after

love through which to accept it, each called to

enter sorrow like an underwater cave, with the

breathless chance to break surface in the same

world with everything aglow. If we make it this

far, we can, on any given day, marvel that clouds

are clouds, and name ourselves. We can use the

gift born of our wound to find an unmarked spot

from which to live. If we settle there, giving our

all without giving ourselves away, the heart

within our heart will flower and the whole

world will eat of its nectar.

I am a couple of days from my 29th birthday. A spring chicken someone called me this week. Funny- I have never felt so old in my life but then again technically I have never been so old in my life. I didn't anticipate my birthday being a trigger but a week after my birthday- exactly one year ago from my birthday, I got pregnant. I spent the whole time I was 28 either pregnant or grieving. That whole year of my life is dedicated to that life changing event. So 29- what does 29 bring? Pain management. This year, like many years to come, maybe every year to come is about managing the heartbreak. Learning to parent a child who isn't here. Figuring out how to be born out of the ashes my child's body has become. At first I was overwhelmed with the life sentence- this heartbreak is a life sentence. Now I am more accepting of it- acknowledging the role it plays in my life. I do not fight it but I do not want it. I can't describe what it feels like to succumb to the reality that for the rest of your life there is this part of you that is missing. And nothing- and there is absolutely nothing that will fill that space. To have lost so much in that one moment. What do I have left? Time. Minutes, days, months, years, if I am lucky. Birthday after birthday with heartbreak managed in between for which I am supposed to be grateful. Thank the heavens that have my child to have lived another day without him? I wont be blowing out any birthday candles anytime soon.

My 7 week grief support group came to an end and this was the first week I did not find myself  going to it on a Thursday night. I have really learned the value of sharing in this with people who understand. For no other purpose but to be emotionally held. I do not have anyone to hold me physically. When I cry in my room, I cry alone.  There is no one to say there, there. No pat on the back, no one to cuddle me. No one should have to do this alone.  And so since I do not have that physical option, I yearn for the emotional alternative. Anyone who will listen to me. Who will let me cry and will cry with me. It is like hugging my soul when someone wants to talk about Mateo with me. I feel so completely alone. I was prepared to raise him on my own. I was not prepared to lose him on my own. 

There are days. Some of them have good moments, some of them bad. I have entire days that are bad days. There are no good days. No 24 hour period of happiness. I do not go to bed ever- ever thinking this was a great day. I think -this day had good moments but event then this is till my life and that is ever present in my consciousness. Today was a hard day. All day. Hopefully tomorrow will have some good moments. Someone reminded me that grief does not change you, it reveals you. What if all it does is reveal how broken you are? How fragmented you have become? Then after grief will have served its purpose of revealing you, you are left to find the shattered pieces in the hidden corners of your life? It is Impossible to put you back together and now revealed to the world as your own broken piece of art. Sad people will say. Tragic. Beautiful. Raw. And Broken.