After spending the last two Christmases in Peru, I could not wait to spend Christmas back at home, in the US with my family. I fantasized about the food I would eat,the gifts I would open. "Oh for meee, you shouldn't have!" But really they should have, I just got back from Peru! When I became pregnant my fantasy changed, it would be my pregnant Christmas. I would buy a baby stocking, people would put cute little things in it." Oh for Mateo, you shouldn't have!" But really they should have cause he was my baby, and amazing by association. So when actual Christmas came, my homecoming from the Peace Corps marked by my bringing home my baby boy in a casket, what kind of fantasy do I have then? How could I make food or presents matter when nothing matters when your baby is gone? I spent today with my best friend and her family, who are like my family, but less embarrassing. They were kind and giving. No one pretended I hadn't just had life take my son away. No one dwelled on it either. They gave me permission to feel what I needed and surprisingly I felt good. It was a nice day, with kind people. We laughed and ate good food and I came home with bags filled with gifts. Tonight I put on my new Christmas pj's and crawled under my new Christmas fleecy blanket and I said to myself, "Oh for me...Thank You"
Here I am at ICE at Gaylord Palms Christmas Day 2012
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