Tonight the world celebrates. They embrace the new upcoming year with optimism and enthusiasm. Because this year will be the year. The year the weight is lost or love is found or financial security is met. The year where dreams come true, 2013 holds endless possibilities and so the world celebrates. I will not be celebrating with them.
I am already dreading 2013. This seems like the year, the hard year of grief that has to happen before the good years start to return. This is the year I was supposed to give birth. To bring my baby boy home. This was supposed to be our year. Now this is my year of grief. About two months ago I was in New York. At Times Square they have this area where you can write down your wish for 2013 on a piece of confetti. At midnight that wish will fall from the sky.I wished for Mateo to be born healthy and happy and that we would have a long life together filled with love. That wish will never come true. In any capacity.
Tonight while the world celebrates possibilities I will solemnly await the beginning of what is set up to be the hardest year of my life. The year all the milestones come and go and I learn to mourn them. 2013 is marked with so many should haves and woukd haves and the disappointment of none of them. The only thing I am dreading more than this holiday is all of next year.
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