If no one seems to understand anything I say lately does that mean I just no longer make sense in life? I feel so absolutely alone not only through this grief process but in anything I share. When I express my plans for the future people treat me like someone that can't be trusted to know what they want. "Oh, that must be the grief talking". People listen. No one truly hears me.
It is interesting how the people you always thought would be there for you aren't when tragedy strikes, and the people you least expected step up. I have found friendship in unlikely faces. My family- with the exception of my mom, my aunt and one cousin has absolutely nothing to do with me. This includes my sister. This breaks my heart. The people who were so supportive of my having Mateo, those who were there for me when he was alive, are nowhere to be found now that he isn't. I am grateful for the people who have managed to love me through this hard time. When I am not funny, crazy Ana. When I have nothing to give and need so much. I'll be eternally grateful to those people.
I try to remind myself that everything that I feel is valid. My feelings do not need to make sense or be neat, they just need to be felt. At times I give myself permission to have anything I want- do anything I want- go anywhere I want. I say to myself " you can have, be, or do anything you want" and I go through options - do I want to backpack through Europe? Do I want to move out? Do I want to drive to a restaurant and order every dessert on the menu and not count the calories? Do I want to buy myself something extravagant? Bungee jump? Grad School? Join a convent? Get a tattoo? Anything? Everything? Nothing. I don't want anything in life but Mateo. I can't have Mateo so now how do I fill my life?
Losing him has made me fearless. I just don't care about the little things. I don't spend time on worry. I no longer get embarrassed. Losing Mateo is now my litmus test for shitty things in life. If toilet paper on my shoe all day is the worst thing that happens to me in a day- that's a good damn day. Cause you know what happened on a bad day? My baby died. After that day you can't ever have another truly bad day. The other side of that is that you can also never truly have another good day- since I will never have a day not shadowed by my missing him.
The only thing that peaks my interests these days is a house. I want to buy a house. I want to have a garden. I want to sit in the grass under the sun and take in an afternoon in my yard. I want to decorate my home, fill it with trinkets from my travels. It doesn't have to be a big house, just mine. I've had everything taken from me in just one instant. If I'm going to rebuild my life I want it to include a home- a safe place to call my own. The challenge now is figuring out a timeline. When to buy a house? When to go to grad school? I have been pretty straight forward with my plans on having more children- wether I have a partner or not I will have another baby in the next couple of years- where will that fall in the plans? I sort through all this while being conscious of the fact that goals are attainable- plans however are fluid and ever changing. How to make one complement the other? How to find the energy to make it all make sense when most days I am impressed I get out of bed? I'd say I'll let you know when I have all the answers but chances are that while you might listen to what I am saying- you wouldn't really hear me anyway.
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