One of my favorite weight loss books is Women, Food and God. In it the author mentions that no matter how well put together you may seem in life- how you eat- reveals everything. What I weigh says so much more about me than I ever do.
Having a post baby body- post baby weight that tells a story I can't avoid telling, I had a baby. I had a baby and you can't meet him because he is gone. Every time I look in the mirror and see my post baby body I am reminded that I had a baby. Had being the operative word. I now have a memory, a longing for someone who was and the person they could have been. So every day I look in the mirror and I am angry at my body and its continual betrayal and disregard for my feelings.
In my more rational moments I understand it is not my body that is to blame, my mind is in charge. Further more assigning blame-period brings no peace. The last couple of weeks despite all its ups and downs I have managed to lose some weight. I have been going to the gym, making smart food choices, really being conscious of my schedule and my routine. Home made fruit smoothie for breakfast every morning. Spinning class at 845 am. Pack your lunch. Walk your dog. Routine and familiarity. So on Friday I had to stray from my routine a little because of a work engagement, then again on Saturday except this time even more, because of work, then on Sunday for social reasons- and by today I was literally eating junk food all day. I mean it when I say the whole day. I ate out all three meals. I am on my way to D.C. For a conference and today wasn't a routine day and the next couple of days at the conference won't be either. I am frustrated that even the slightest change in routine throws me down a spiral of no control. I work so hard to control everything in my life, to manage my time, my grief, my job, working out,socializing, me time. If I feel like it gets to be too much my control over food is where I cave. I just eat without consciousness. But like anything done without consciousness it brings bitter consequences. I physically feel ill. I'm tired. I'm overweight. Emotionally I beat myself up, I end up being unkind myself. How can I have a day away from the norm and then seamlessly just go back to it? I don't want to be a robot- to limit my life and food choices so I never lose control. I need to own this. It just feels like it is too much while also processing grief. I can't have eating days like today anymore so I am sharing it with you all in hopes that maybe getting it out, actually saying- I am having a hard time grieving and eating healthily and I could use some support. I am hoping this will help. I just want some peace around this. I want to look in the mirror and be grateful for the woman looking back at me, the woman who gave birth to a baby, the woman who eats with her consciousness and truly love the woman I see.
In that same book Women, Food and God the author lays out some eating guidelines for finding balance with food. I think I would benefit from creating my own list of guidelines. It is a work in progress right now but here are some of my ideas...
1) Pray before I eat. I grew up praying before every meal but I can honestly say too often words were just mumbled so I could hurry up and eat. I want to create a practice of expressing gratitude for my meal and all that went into it being available.
2) Support local businesses. If I am going to eat out I will only eat at local small business restaurants. This will curb my trips to fast food joints. If I'm hungry I have to get out of my car and go inside a restaurant, study the menu and then order. Plus the money goes to a family run restaurant and that makes me feel good. If I'm gonna eat out might as well do some good!
3) Ask myself- is this a meal I would feed my children? I made it a point to eat so healthy while I was pregnant- Mateo's nutrition was so important to me. Imagine if my own nutrition were as important to me? I would not want my kids drinking soda, eating chips or having ice cream for dinner. When I was a nanny so much of my time was spent making sure the girls were healthy and happy. I monitored their meals and how they reacted to certain foods. I should take care of myself with as much attention as I do children under my care. If it isn't good enough for someone I love then it isn't good enough for me.
These are the only ones I have for now- I am sure more inspiration will come with time but for now these feel realistic and attainable. Feel free to throw any suggestions my way <3
No comments:
Post a Comment