The terrible two's. This week was the two year anniversary of Mateo's birth and death. My terrible two's. There have definitely been moments in year two when I have wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking,screaming, crying. A tantrum. Sometimes I can't believe it's been two year already and sometimes I can't believe it's only been two years.
But year two, for all the ways it was terrible it was also kinder on me than year one. Year one was a raw nerve, exposed to the elements whose pain I could not be protected from. Year two, the pain fits inside me differently. Just as real. This year is no longer about the shock, it's not about the guilt or blame. I don't spend as much time editing the days of his life in my mind- a producer trying to find alternative endings to an already released movie. This year was more about acceptance. Truly coming to terms with the knowledge that I will never wake up to this baby in my arms. Never. That I could have a million children and all the successes in the world. But the one thing I will never know is the sound of his laugh. And that's what you carry year two.
The realization that the depth of your loss is so great your brain can only process it in pieces.
Pieces, moments, years, time. All in time. And so year two was terrible. But it was also better. And I was better at grief. And my loved ones were better at letting me grieve. I went to Mateo's grave on his birthday. I laid in the grass, under the sun and talked to him for hours. I cried in a way I can only do when I am visitng him, this is why I like to go alone. I'm so vulnerable in that moment. I also visited him before I left, decorated his grave for Christmas with some things me and my friends Alex and Jacky bought for him. There is healing in rituals. Year two was terribly kind in its own way.
Here is to year three of healing.
