In Due Time and that time I was Due!

Recently someone asked me what it was about upcoming due dates that was especially hard after perinatal child loss. Birthdays and death dates are easier for others to understand, those are tangible reminders but a due date? What is it about the anniversary of a due date that brings up so much anxiety and grief? Today is my due date. I remember sitting in Dr. Carmen's office as she adjusted the small paper wheel and calculated that on March 25th 2012 my baby would come home with me, give or take a couple of days. Once you have that date, your whole life becomes about that date, planning for that date, because afraid or excited or ready or not- a baby is going to come out of you and come home with you and so this date becomes the most important date in your life. But when your baby comes 4 months early and never comes home with you that date is just supposed to go back to being another day on your calendar. 

My grief calendar is filled with many different days, the day I got pregnant, the day I went into labor, the day he passed away, Mother's Day,  and other holidays but my due date is a silent grief day. How do you commemorate the anniversary of the loss of your hopes and dreams with your child? That's some heavy shit. Shouldn't I be cutting a two year old's birthday cake right now surrounded by friends and family? The anniversary of all the would have and should haves- that is what a due date is. It is the fantasy date, the date where your baby didn't die and in alternate reality you watch him get cake on his face and blow out candles.

Today is the anniversary of the life that wasn't. The mother I didn't get to be with the child I didn't get to raise. Some days I am so overwhelmed at the thought, not the memory but just the thought that I lost a child that I am amazed that I am able to get through the day. How do I get through the day? Some days with more awareness than others.

I've been really focusing my attention on what healing looks like for me lately. I think until now I have had only enough in me to get me through shock, then survival, and now grief. I am just now able to really start to imagine what healing can look like for me. It feels like time to address the trauma and the hurt and the grief and to slowly heal those wounds. I understand that there will always be scars but in some places I have gashing open sores of grief crying for attention. How do I heal those places? I think the first step is to want to heal. I want to fundamentally change my relationship with grief so that there is room for much more inside me. I am trying to put together a plan made up of lifestyle changes that work for me. I am looking at everything from mindfulness based cognitive therapy to nutrition and exploring the many possibilities of wellness in my life. While I figure out what healing feels like for me, I give myself permission to be kind to myself throughout this process. To be patient, and loving and understanding with myself. I give myself permission to make mistakes or change my mind. To be open minded about different approaches and to rest when I am weary. I give myself permission to celebrate the moments of happiness and wholeness.