I remember adding Thanksgiving to the list of the things I'd lost after losing Mateo. With his birthday always within a few days of the holiday, I knew that being in the spirit of giving would be overshadowed by grief. It didn't feel fair. He wasn't supposed to be born in November anyway. For the last couple of years, I have worked on being able to be present on the days surrounding his birthday and passing. To just be with however I feel. Including on Thanksgiving, a day now, where my family no longer comes together- I now make my own empanadas. I now make my own Day of Thanks.
Maybe gratitude carries more weight when you have heartbreak to contrast it against. It isn't a statement made in vain, but a testament to one's ability to come out of the other side of darkness and still be able to hold things in your heart and say, for you I give thanks. For this I give thanks. To transform pain into gratitude is a lifelong process, one where you can touch the places that hurt and say this is where I shattered. And gratitude for surviving is what starts to bring the pieces back together.
I think gratitude means so much to me because I am amazed at my ability to still feel it. To seek it. To want to be able to make room for the many ways I am full even when my arms empty. The most heartbreaking experience of my life has brought me the most wonderful people to guide me in healing. There is room for both, acknowledging what the universe has taken and what it has given- not tit for tat but in waves. Times of grief followed by helping hands, or guiding angels, flowers in the mail and shoeboxes full of sunshine. Love continues to arrive in my life, a gentle reminder that it is possible to lose and love. Lose and receive. Lose and give. How could I not be grateful for that?
Last week I volunteered with a couple of friends at a Women's Shelter. Earlier that week I had been asked how I plan to take care of myself during this post election season and I responded that in times where I can't see past my pain, I ask myself to step out of myself and sit with someone else's. I try to find ways to give this time of year. My response to what was taken is to give. Not out of martyrdom, or complex, but a need to connect. To look someone else's pain in the eye and say, yes-you too, me too and for a moment be beyond it. So in hairnets and paper aprons we helped serve meals to over 200 women who would have slept outside in the coldest night I have had since moving here. But I didn't go home and say god I'm thankful for my bed, and for a warm meal. Giving isn't about inventory- check- here are all the things I have that those women didn't and so now I can feel good about life. Gratitude isn't about comparison, it's about humility. It's knowing anyone of us could be one or two life shatters away from needing a meal and a warm place to sleep. Gratitude for me isn't about feeling better, it's about being present. That in this moments many truths prevail, the one where Mateo is missing at Thanksgiving dinner, and the one where I am loved and cared for- one truth informing the other.
I came across this list of simple ways to give back and give thanks this week and I encourage any of you that are moved to do so, to heed that calling and be present with me in thanks and giving.
Thankful for shelter: Find out how you can assist at a homeless shelter. Serve warm meals, play games with kids, donate clothing, or learn about other ways you can make a difference in your community.
Thankful for family: Help a family in need by giving your time, skills, food, or other charitable donations to local or national assistance organizations like Help Neighbors and Feeding America. Write a letter of appreciation to someone in your family that you are thankful for — tell them why.
Thankful for food: Plant seeds in your community garden for others to enjoy. Cook a meal for a person or family in need. Drop off canned food and bottled water at local food drives.
Thankful for health: Volunteer at your local hospital. Inquire about donating blood to people in need. Take a friend or family member out for a hike or walk around the park.
Thankful for a job: Share your job skills with others. Help someone write a resume. Donate your work clothes to someone in need via Dress for Success. (via freepeople blog)
