Alongside Rivers Under the Warm Sun: Mother's Day 2015

I knew that I would have to get outside today. That I needed to breathe fresh air and feel the sun on my skin. I picked a random state park, one not too far packed a kind bar, stuck an emergency $20 dollar bill in my bra and got in my car. Turns out I really went hiking today- the type of hiking you need health insurance for (thanks Obama!). I quietly walked past families, couples with dogs, a Korean Hiking club in all their glory, a group of hot shirtless, bearded guys running through the woods- but most of the hike was just me. All that could be heard were birds and the river running beside me. All that could be heard was me. No distractions or cell service or Netflix or friends to talk to. Me. And my inner dialogue. Me. And my grief. Me. And my memories. For a couple of hours I walked with myself. I did not cry, or break down. I did fall down once on a steep hill but sucked it up when shortly after my fall- a toddler speedily walked past me- she was probably born on that trail. I kept thinking about all the people that for who days like today are hard for. The different scenarios when a holiday dedicated to Mothers might not be celebratory. My circumstance being just one of the potential many. I thought about that Ellen Bass poem that has been going through my mind a lot recently and what it means to learn to love life again. To hold life in your hands and declare- I will love you. I am still not sure how I will ever be able to do that. I thought about all the mothers in my life- I have had so many except the one who brought me into this world. I may become a mother figure throughout my life to someone, maybe many- but I'll never mother the son I brought into this world. Maybe it's genetic. I thought about all the kind emails and text messages and Facebook posts where people wished me a Happy Mother's Day or told me they were thinking of me. Sometimes it feels like the universe wraps its arms around me as if it saying I am sorry fate has hurt you so. But I still do not know how to forgive it. How will I ever hold life in my hands and declare that I love it? I thought about how quickly the days pass and how finite our days as humans are- and I promised myself to spend more of them hiking alongside rivers under the warm sun.