The Gopel According to Grief

" To cover all the earth with sheets of hide- where could such amounts of skin be found? But simply wrap some leather round your feet, and it is as if the whole earth is covered! Likewise, we can never take and turn aside the outer course of things. But only seize and discipline the mind itself, and what is there remaining to be curbed?" - Shantideva

Today marks two months since I held Mateo in my arms. Some days it feels as though it happened in another lifetime and some days I feel as though I just came home from the hospital without him. I miss him something terrible. I miss the me that I was with him also. I am a different Ana now- and it can't be quantified with better or worse- just different and I miss the pregnant me who was excited to be his mom and scared of the future, and would lay at night wondering what he would look like and what he would be like. I planned out major events for us and fantasized about the little things. What kind of disciplinarian would I be? Would I turn into a soccer mom- mini van and all? How could I make sure my son would grow up to be a good man, a kind man, a strong man? These are the thoughts that would go through my mind all day. I would rub my stomach and ask Mateo things all of the time. I'd say "Hey little guy, what do you want to have for lunch?" Or "Due to all this heartburn, are you covered in hair like Chewbacca?" I had a reltionship with him, we had a routine, we had secrets and a connection. Undoubtedly when I would wake up in the morning he would kick me. I'd place my hand anywhere on my belly and he would kick it. It turned into our morning game. I'd leave my hand on a spot and he'd move over to it and I'd feel him kick. I think there were days where I just lay there for long periods of time singing to him and feeling him kick and move. He was my little guy and I couldn't wait to meet him. I miss the Ana that looked forward to things coming  in life. Now I just dread things coming in life. This year is marked with some big milestones- including my due date. I once looked forward to that day now I have to plan a contingency plan around it.

This isn't to say I no longer have goals or things I look forward to, but when you literally lose a part of you and have to restructure your life new goals and hopes do not carry the same depth- the same weight. I will never look forward to anything the same exact way I did Mateo's kicks in the mornings. Even if I have future children I know that my relationship with them will be different- they will feel different to me. I will always miss Mateo, not the idea of a baby, but my actual baby boy I knew and love.

I have been reading a lot about grief. For me I can say it isn't an adjective, it is a verb. Grief doesn't describe something I feel, it is something I do that has feelings associated with it. I truly believe in life you can choose how you react to things, you can choose your feelings and you can create the life you want through consciousness. But with grief it is tricky. I can't create my way out of grief, I can only create my way through it. My relationship with grief seems to be reactionary. Grief is the process, here are its feelings as they manifest in me, I work on cleanup. I feel powerless when it comes to grief and it is hard to feel that way after working so hard to find my power. I can't get rid of grief just manage its symptoms. One book I am reading compares it to a gestation period. I am pregnant with grief. I will carry it for as long as I need to and then I can give birth to it. It won't always be inside of me but it will aways be a part of me. Part of my journey and part of my process. I am not sure where I am in my grief gestation process but I am going to guess the morning sickness feel like shit stage. I keep coming across the idea that my grief is deep because my loss is deep. That love and pain are intertwined. Because we love, we feel pain. Because we feel either of these and both of these we know we are still alive. As long as there is air flowing through my lungs I will love my son. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins I will feel pain related to losing my son. Love and pain and life all intertwined. The day I don't feel one of these, I won't feel any of these and then I too like my baby become part of the universe leaving people behind to face their own grief over losing me. Proving that I have loved and lost and lived. I live.

Some Things Take Time

These last couple of weeks I feel like I have been strapped into an emotional rollercoaster and told to hold on tight. I am not always sure what to hold on tight to but holding on I am. 

At a work event today there was a moment for prayer- people were given a piece of wood and a basket was placed in the front of the room. One by one you could go up and place your token of wood into the basket and if moved to do so you could state out loud what your prayer was for. People prayed for those visiting to have safe journeys home, prayers of hope for the farmworkers we were there visiting, prayers of gratitude and prayers of hope for the world. I never could bring myself to go up there. Not because I don't have things I am grateful for or hopes for the world but because I couldn't do anything in the name of prayer. I stood next to Mateo's bedside and I prayed. I prayed harder then I have ever prayed. People literally all over the world were praying for him. So many prayers. He still died. I know a prayer isn't the same thing as a wish and God isn't the same thing as a genie. Prayers and their answers are not cause and effect. You pray and it is taken into account into the collective energy of the universe. Your token might actually mean something. Your prayer might actually be answered. Mine wasn't.So for now I'll hold on to my token-

I actually feel like the universe is trying to compensate me a little for taking my son. The stars all seem to be lining up- with work and support and finding a puppy and opportunites. Life is lining up so that I can move forward without Mateo. Everything life offers from now on to compensate will be in vain. I can honestly say that anything in my life- despite how how wonderful and good it is will always fall short of making up for not having Mateo. I can accomplish everything I have ever wanted- except being Mateo's mom. So my challenge now is finding a way to still find meaning in the rest of it all. How do I make life matter still? Why continue on with a life that will always fall short? Honestly I do not have a great answer. Some days I do not have an answer at all. That's when I ask the people in my life who I turn to for support and that's when they tell me that with things like finding meaning to life again- well some things take time. Some things take time.

A Letter to My Friends

So I have been encouraged by my therapist to reach out to those closest to me and let them know that I am not done grieving, and that I
still need help and support. We talked a lot about what that looks like for me. I told her
that I had no doubt that if I needed something specific- a meal, a donation, a favor- that my
friends would be there. It is the stuff that I don't know how to ask for that it seems I can't trust people to give. I still need to talk about Mateo, and I need people to listen. I feel like
it is depressing and a burden and so I carry itall around. Please ask me if I would like to talk about Mateo when we talk, instead of asking how I am doing. I always answer how
are you doing with "I'm ok". I find myself wishing people would ask me about him, and what he was like, and what I miss about him. Every mother wants to talk about her child,and
her pregnancy and how she is feeling about her child at the moment. I've been robbed of motherhood in so many ways, but this is one way I get to still be his mom to other people,
if people want to talk to me about him. I hate feeling like a burden and tell myself people are tired of hearing about it, but I was
reminded that it is unfair to make that decision for my friends- though it would really help if you gave me some prodding. I'll workon
trusting that you all love me enough to listen to me talk about Mateo and not run away from me, and I will truly be grateful to be asked to
share and open up about my feelings and my Mateo story. When I was pregnant one of my biggest fears was raising Mateo alone and it
was my family and friends that gave me the courage to believe I could do this- that I would always be loved and supported. Well now my
fear is doing this part alone- grieving- being the only person who misses him or cares and I could use the same comfort and kind words
and listening ears. I am grateful to have you all in my life.

Love

Ana

It's Not Your Fault

"When a baby arrives sick or too soon, we feel out of control and helpless. People often feel guilt or self-blame. It serves as a painful way to restore order. If I blame myself, if I can identify the reason I believe this happened, then I can make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. Guilt is a strange medicine we give ourselves. A mother I met told me about being in the NICU, crying by her daughter's bedside, when a nurse told her, "You did not do this." That was the beginning of healing. Many moms talk about someone who helped relieve their guilt, who reassured them "it's not your fault." It doesn't usually take all the feelings
of guilt away, but it is comforting when someone you respect tells you it's not your fault. Let these important people in your life know what you feel. Tell your doctor what you blame yourself for. Tell your spouse, your mother, your best friend what words would be supportive."
- Liza Cooper, LMSW
Director, Family-Centered Care and Family Engagement

I recently read this in a March of Dimes e-newsletter. I too am working through self blame. Some women blame the doctors and some women blame God. I mostly blame myself. I feel like I should have known somehow, that there should have been a sign, mother's intuition.
Like a mom should know when her baby is going to die. I did not.I felt fine and because I didn't have any symptoms until I went into labor, even if I would have gone to the doctor that morning for a routine check up, the infection would have gone unnoticed. At least that is what the delivery doctor told me. But knowing that it is not my fault and knoooowwiing that it is not my fault are two separate things.

Logical me understands this was an act of nature. Nature is made up of life coming and going- never ending. We are mammals,we are part of nature and not excluded from its cyclical welcome and departure of all creation. Bacteria crept into my uterus and infected my amniotic fluid. My body went into labor in an attempt to save him. His lungs were not developed enough and he couldn't survive in the outside world. Mateo died of natural causes. As natural as it gets.

However, it is not logical me that lays in bed at night blaming myself for not knowing better, being better, doing better. I will always have regrets. I don't aways need to have self blame. I am starting to cut myself some slack. Admitting that I am not perfect, I am not an all powerful all knowing divine being. Only a regular human could have done something as natural as lose a baby to natural causes. When I stop elevating myself to grandiose status and acknowledge that I am a mom and a human and a mammal and just a person, those are the moments this almost makes sense.

I feel like my body and my intuition  betrayed me. The way the peaceful ocean betrays those caught in a tsunami's path. What once was familiar now the source of destruction and pain. Do you stay mad at the ocean forever? How could the waves you once thought beautiful wash your whole life away? How could my body go into labor to save my child only to have it be what kills him? All completely natural. Still a disaster. At some point grace must conquer blame. That is the moment when you venture back into the ocean and swim into the waves and let them carry you to shore. I look forward to that moment.

Pregnant Women and Shitty Parents Listen Up

Ask any woman who has lost a baby, either to miscarriage or infant death how they feel about pregnant women and they will probably tell you the same thing I am just about to say- they are EVERYWHERE. The whole world is filled with pregnant women and babies. I can't go out in public, I can't turn on the t.v., I can't do much more than leave my room if I do not want to encounter a pregnant woman and or newborns. My cousin recently told me she is pregnant. I am happy for her. I am however still sad for me. The world seems to be made up of two kinds of people, people with children and me.

This week however has had another interesting running theme post baby loss- it seems shitty parents are everywhere also. The other day at Target, my friend and I witnessed this mother taunting her child, yelling at her child and just being god awful to her little son. I was so uncomfortable and upset at this woman. She pushed her child through the store being a shitty parent loud enough for anyone three isles in either direction to hear her.

Today while watering my tomatoes the neighbor's door flies open and I can hear a man yelling and children crying. The man gets very angry at a boy that seems to be about 6 years old and starts to spank him while yelling at him to go to his room. I do not agree with taunting or hitting children. As this man stormed out of the house after beating his little boy I continued to water my plant and started crying. What a shitty parent. Now to be fair my witnessing these shitty moments doesn't define the whole sum of their parenting. I cannot speak to what they sacrifice, the tears they shed or the love they give. What I did see however doesn't inspire much faith in their ability to raise their children in a mature, healthy and nurturing way. And to my critics who might say- what do you know? You've never raised a child- I say exactly- that's why you suck. I didn't get to raise my child. I don't get to be a good parent to him or a shitty one. I don't get to wipe noses or give kisses or watch my son achieve great things in life. There is nothing that says that someone would not have witnessed my very own shitty parent moment one day- but we will never know now, will we? I don't get to raise my child but it seems like everyone else in the world- good at it or not- gets to raise theirs. Now I am sure there are also good parents having wonderful parent moments all around me and I just don't notice them as much. That is because I try to block them out. They seem to have appeased some divine being that I have only managed to inspire to bring me heartbreak. I do not understand why you get to hold your child and I do not. The world is better for you having done that- you wonderful parent- and so I am grateful for it. I want to have had the chance to contribute to humanity in that way also.

To all the pregnant women out there- enjoy your moment. To all the parents out there- be good to your children. You get to have these moments I would give anything to have with Mateo for.

First Week of Work

This is my first week of work. I have this new amazing job- it is the kind of job where I get paid to do all of the activist work I would have done for free. Shhh don't tell my boss. The challenge now is finding balance. I took some time yesterday to feel- to cry, to read, to write. It seems the whole world may be ready to move on and I feel caught in its riptide. It has only been a little under a month and half since I last held my baby. It feels like a million years ago. It feels like just yesterday. Gotta remember to have some grief time, even if it means penciling it in.

p.s. here is a picture of the bathtub I want to climb into right now.

Don't Give Up by Mario Benedetti

Thank You Emilia for sharing this with me.

Don't Give Up
by Mario Benedetti

Don't give up, you still have time
to reach up and start anew,
Accept your shadows,
Bury your fears,
Free your burdens,
Fly again.

Don't give up, that's what life is
Continue the journey,
Follow your dreams,
Unstuck time,
Move the rubble,
And uncover the sky.

Don't give up, please don't give way,
Even if the cold burns,
Even if fear bites,
Even if the sun sets,
And the wind goes silent,
There is still fire in your soul
There is still life in your dreams.

Because life is yours and yours is the desire
Because you have loved it and because I love you
Because wine exists and love is true.
Because there are no wounds that time doesn't cure.

To open the doors,
Take away the locks,
Abandon the walls that have protected you,
To live life and accept the challenge
Get back laughter,
Practice a song,
Lower the guard and extend the hands
Open the wings
And try again,
Celebrate life and take back the skies.

Don't give up, please don't give way,
Even if the cold burns,
Even if fear bites,
Even if the sun sets,
And the wind goes silent,
There is still fire in your soul
There is still life in your dreams.

Because every day is a new beginning,
Because this is the hour and the best moment.
Because you are not alone, because I love you.

2013 Horoscope

" People wish to learn to swim and at the same time to keep one foot on the ground said french novelist Marcel Proust. An attitude like that is always a barrier to growth, of course, but in 2013 it would be especially ill-advised for you (Gemini). In order to win full possession of the many blessings that this year will be offering, you will have to give up your solid footing and dive into the depths over and over again."

Like my coffee, I take myhoroscopes lightly- and just every now and then. Meant to be fun advice, not prophecy I find myself reading them and wondering how much of this is meant for me because of the way Mars aligned with Jupiter the day I was born, and how much applies to anyone reading it that has ever been  affected by the human condition. Doesn't my horoscope know that there is comfort in the solid footing even if there isn't adventure? While diving into the depths may be required for possessing blessings, this also requires a level of trust and faith in the universe I lost the day my baby left. I think I used to be brave, not afraid to dive. How do I get back there? How do I ever trust that something will work out again? How can I believe good things are meant for my seizing? Don't the stars know my footing on the ground is all I have left? I want to be able to dive into the depths during 2013 but doing so requires hope. Is it possible a hopeful heart - broken and all as mine is- was also meant thanks to the way Mars aligned with Jupiter  the day I was born? Making life decisions based off of the horoscope in the back of the free community newspaper isn't very smart. I may have lost my courage but not my good sense. I think the cosmos have always expected within myself  to be the source I trust when making important life decisions, cosmic advice just serves as a nice reminder. If I can learn to listen, heal, and hope than maybe I can also learn to dive again in 2013.

Blessings I Have No Words For by Mark Nepo

But I will try. Sometimes my

heart trembles like a butterfly

in a jar and I'm afraid to let it

out. Yet there are days my heart

is a mountain on which my life

grows. Sometimes when deeply

alone, I can hear the bead of

silence renewing the beginning,

a drop from nowhere enlivening

each moment. This is where my

questions live, in the quiet center

that illuminates our eyes. I believe

the heart-breaking music that pries

us open is the sound of the world

turning on its axis. I believe the

souls kept in the heart become a

tribe. They drum our memory of

them into a sweetness that joins

life and death. No matter the

passage, trust the process you

are in. Receiving the down-

pour, we rise with the stream.

-- Mark Nepo

Resolutions

When I left for Peace Corps I was about 55lbs overweight. Thanks to dysentery, lack of junk food, and time to exercise I lost about 35lbs and got in the best shape I can remember being in. I felt great and was on my way. Then I got pregnant. So in one year I lost 25lbs and then proceeded to gain 25lbs in the 5 1/2 months I was pregnant. While I was pregnant and was gaining weight I would become upset at the weight gain since I had just lost it, but would comfort myself with " Don't worry, you'll lose it after you have the baby". Well now is after baby. Even if I am not ready for it to be. I have the body of someone who just had a baby with no baby to show for it. Since it has been just a little over a month since I gave birth I am conscious of slowing back into exercise. I have moments where I get so upset, it would be ok to be this fat if I had my sweet baby boy to show for it. But I don't. And I am overweight. And I have to do something about it even if it unfair and heartbreaking. So I started doing the couch to 5k program with one of the besties. I put on my running shoes and I turn up the music and I run. Not very fast and not very far yet. But I run. I miss my baby boy with every step but he is not here, and I am, and so I run.