Some Things Take Time

These last couple of weeks I feel like I have been strapped into an emotional rollercoaster and told to hold on tight. I am not always sure what to hold on tight to but holding on I am. 

At a work event today there was a moment for prayer- people were given a piece of wood and a basket was placed in the front of the room. One by one you could go up and place your token of wood into the basket and if moved to do so you could state out loud what your prayer was for. People prayed for those visiting to have safe journeys home, prayers of hope for the farmworkers we were there visiting, prayers of gratitude and prayers of hope for the world. I never could bring myself to go up there. Not because I don't have things I am grateful for or hopes for the world but because I couldn't do anything in the name of prayer. I stood next to Mateo's bedside and I prayed. I prayed harder then I have ever prayed. People literally all over the world were praying for him. So many prayers. He still died. I know a prayer isn't the same thing as a wish and God isn't the same thing as a genie. Prayers and their answers are not cause and effect. You pray and it is taken into account into the collective energy of the universe. Your token might actually mean something. Your prayer might actually be answered. Mine wasn't.So for now I'll hold on to my token-

I actually feel like the universe is trying to compensate me a little for taking my son. The stars all seem to be lining up- with work and support and finding a puppy and opportunites. Life is lining up so that I can move forward without Mateo. Everything life offers from now on to compensate will be in vain. I can honestly say that anything in my life- despite how how wonderful and good it is will always fall short of making up for not having Mateo. I can accomplish everything I have ever wanted- except being Mateo's mom. So my challenge now is finding a way to still find meaning in the rest of it all. How do I make life matter still? Why continue on with a life that will always fall short? Honestly I do not have a great answer. Some days I do not have an answer at all. That's when I ask the people in my life who I turn to for support and that's when they tell me that with things like finding meaning to life again- well some things take time. Some things take time.