Rainbow Babies

When parents who have lost a child have children after that child, they call those children rainbow babies. I see it in baby loss blogs and hear it mentioned at support group meetings. " ...is having a little girl, this is their rainbow baby". I can see why the rainbow would be the symbol chosen. Evidence of the calm after the storm. In the bible a rainbow appeared to Moses and the survivors of the end of the world as proof that life would continue on, that the earth would replenish itself. It was a symbol of hope from God to man. If religion isn't your thing then rainbows are refractions of light. Rainbows are simply a different way of seeing light- light that you couldn't see before is now visible. God, science or both- rainbows symbolize change and in the case of rainbow babies hope.

Whenever I hear of someone having a rainbow baby I say a personal prayer of hope. I know what it is like to lose a child. Sadly I do not know what it is like to keep one. To take one home alive and have that amazing experience of raising one. It seems like I am at a place where even all the people who understand my pain now also will get to understand the joy I have not been privy to.

From what I can gather trying to have another child within a year of losing one is pretty common. It seems as though most couples I encounter start trying as soon as they get the medical green light. Why wouldn't they? These are people who wanted children and life kicked them in the teeth. If they are brave enough to try again, I am brave enough to support them. But the thing is- I don't get to try again. At least not anytime soon. I don't get to announce my rainbow baby at support group meetings and I don't know if I ever will. Often it is only mothers who come to group meetings but every now and then couples come. A man at the last meeting made a comment along the lines of " I have to be there for my wife, we have to be there for each other, we are the only two people who will ever really understand what it means to lose our baby" I have no one to understand that with- not in that sense. I made the decision to be a single parent and so I have turned into the single parent of a deceased child. A single griever. Without the option of a rainbow baby even. I feel as though life is very cruel with me at times like this. I am not taking away from all the kindness and love that those in my life have shown me or all the strength that I have found within me. Appreciating this does not take away from the fact that I do not have a partner to share in my grief, and not just a partner, but the person who helped create him. Whose DNA he shared, features, blood in his veins- biologically he wasn't only mine. In every other sense he was. I have reached out to Mateo's father and have been made to understand that this is my son and my grief and mine alone.

There is no way to know if life will align in such a way that I find someone I love and trust and decide to have rainbow babies with. If that doesn't happen do I decide to have rainbow babies on my own? People were so supportive when I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to be a single parent- it is hard to picture that level of support if I actually planned a pregnancy knowing I'd be a single parent. A mistake seems admirable, when its planned it gets called selfish. I just want the experience of being a mom. How long do I have to wait before people are like- oh yea- she's not married, she is not getting any younger, she lost a child and still really wants one- so now it is ok that she does it on her own? 5 years?10? The couples I know having rainbow babies wait around 3 months. I understand their urgency- it isn't about replacing the child they lost, it is about making their dreams to bring a healthy beautiful baby home come true. They don't know how long it will take them to get pregnant, or how many more miscarriages it might take before that happens. They want to know that they can do this- that they can have this. You don't stop wanting to be a mother because you stop being pregnant. Your body changed its mind- not you. Of course you want to try again- you never stopped being ready. I wish that all of these rules applied to me. I can deal with being a single parent. I can deal with single grief. I can't deal with never having a rainbow baby. I can't deal with the timeline restrictions- what is normal for a couple to want is not normal for me as a young single woman to want. Tell that to my heart. I want share the same dreams but without restrictions on my timeline. I have to wait for either the person to do this with or the courage to do it on my own knowing that the support might just not be there.

I might have to stop going to support group meetings when the faces stop being familiar, when everyone I know has stopped coming because they are pregnant with a rainbow baby and no longer pregnant with grief. I've already noticed some of the moms who were actively trying to get pregnant stopped coming. No one has to announce it- Rainbow Babies. Maybe by the time it is all new faces, I will be in a place in my healing process where leaving the group feels natural to me also even if it isn't due to pregnancy. I am not ready to have a baby tomorrow, next month or even by the end of this year. I just want to feel that when I am ready single or not- I can and everyone will still love me for it.