After losing Mateo I went to Barnes&Nobles and bought a couple of grief books. Then I went on amazon and bought baby loss books. Then I went through baby loss blogs trolling for any recommended books, podcasts, websites, whatever anyone ever in the history of loss and grief had ever done and found useful. As I read through the different resources I collected, I give myself the freedom to sort through and feel what is right for me. Not everything I read is meant for me at this time. Some books I will go back to at a later point in my process, some I will re-read, some I will give away. I am grateful for the access to these books, to the combination of tools that I have. Between the books, therapy, meditation, friends, journaling,blogging, and some awareness work that I have done years leading up to this, I do more than make it through the day- I continue to live my life.
One of the books I am reading is about grief and consciousness. I am at a chapter that suggests working through 5 different topics in order to facilitate healing. With each topic it is suggested you create artwork, write a letter, come up with some sort of visualization about the topic addressed to the person you are grieving. I am going to blog mine out one at a time. I will continue the 4 other topics in future blogs.
Number One: I'm Sorry
Dear Mateo,
I am sorry. I am sorry our time together was so short. Around 24 weeks inside of me and 3 days in the hospital just wasn't enough. No amount of time would have ever been since mothers shouldn't bury their children. I am sorry that we got off to a rough start. I am sorry I didn't know from day one to not take you for granted. I was scared. I was alone and I was scared. I am sorry if for even a moment of your existence you didn't feel loved by me. I knew that I would love you with such devotion that It scared me to jump right in. I am sorry that I didn't sing to you more, that I didn't read to you more, that I didn't know to do more, to be more. I am sorry that I didn't know that our whole relationship would be tied to this short span of time, I would have spent every second holding my belly and praying, and talking to you. I am sorry that I didn't know I was sick. I am sorry that my body failed you. My only job in life was to protect you and I couldn't even protect you from myself. I am sorry that I couldn't save you. In the hospital when they were giving you blood transfusions I asked if I could donate my blood and was told that's actually worse for the babies. I couldn't do anything for you medically. I am sorry if I made any wrong choices around your birth. I am sorry if you felt any pain in the NICU. On your last day, when they told me you were at the point of no return and were starting to feel discomfort, they gave you pain medicine. That is when I asked to hold you and say goodbye. I think some people would say holding your baby as he passes away and saying goodbye seems like too much for a mother to handle, knowing you were in pain was too much for me to handle. I couldn't let you hurt, and I am sorry that you did for even a second. I am sorry you never got to meet your family. I told you goodbye from your grandma, and auntie, and all the people sending love, I even told you goodbye from your father in case he would have wanted it said or will some day. I am sorry none of them got to hold you. I am sorry my little guy for all the places and spaces where I fell short and was less than. You were perfect. I was not and could have never been. You are the love of my life and I am sorry I do not get to share this life with you.
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