What To Expect When You Are NOT Expecting

I remember the way my heart sank that first morning after Mateo passed away. The first time you open your eyes and you realize, my baby is gone. I didn't scream, I didn't panic, I sank. I must have let out what must have sounded like a whimper. I do not remember every detail around Mateo's death.   I definitely remember the sinking feeling that first morning I woke up and my baby was no longer safe inside me, kicking, giving me heart burn. He wasn't in the NICU being cared for by nurses and doctors. He was gone forever and I sank into that reality.

When we left the Ronald McDonald House I left behind things I thought other people might need in the future, parenting things, things I no longer had use for. I distinctly remember leaving my copy of What To Expect When You Are Expecting. What a piece of shit book. I carried that book around with me like a bible. I could tell you developmentally every single thing Mateo was doing, supposed to be doing and would be doing at any given moment. Here is what the book did not tell me- your baby might die. Here are some things to watch for even if your pregnancy is completely normal.... I remember joking around with a friend after reading one chapter that I found especially cheesy and over the top, I told her I was going to write my own version without all the fluffy cheesy puns. Now I just want to write a book that's real, though who wants to buy

What To Really Expect When You Are Expecting: Chapter One Your Baby Might Not Make It. Your baby might be that statistic, that one in whatever.
Chapter Two Sometimes Life Kicks You In the Teeth, Hard.
Chapter Three Avoid Going Places Where Women Who Have Lost Babies Will See Your Very Pregnant Self, You Will Cause Them Distress.
Chapter Four Did I Mention Your Baby Might Die?
And so on....


When I have another child no one is permitted to buy me What To Expect. Tackle the delivery person, gently escort the unsuspecting person out of the baby shower, do whatever necessary to stop anyone from giving me that book. Because I know what to expect. I know what to hope for. I know what to pray for. I know what will happen. I will bring a baby home either in my arms or in my memories. I know what to expect.

Today I took some time to bake some cupcakes and take them to the Ronald McDonald House here in Orlando. I dropped them off and while the house looked familiar I was grateful that it wasn't my RMCDH. I made those cupcakes with love and gratitude in my heart. I hope that the families there enjoy them. More than that I hope all those families go home with their children alive and well.

I wasn't quite sure how today was going to go. I imagined myself laying in bed rocking back and forth sobbing. I used to think that is something people just say to dramatize being upset until I found myself doing it all the time the first couple of weeks after Mateo was buried. I thought I would go back there. I was afraid of the sinking feeling. I was afraid of waking up and feeling like I did that first morning after. Neither of those things happened. I woke up and I was sad. And I cried. And then I got up and I did things. And the day went on like all the days have since he has been gone, like all the days will from now on. I made cupcakes, and bought Easter things for his grave and thought about him a lot. But the thing is I think about him all the time. He is the first thing I think of every morning and the last thought on my mind when I fall asleep. Things remind me of home all day, how much I miss him, how much I love him. Him being gone and my being painfully aware of it is my reality today and every day. I wonder what other people think about all day? I can't remember what I used to think about all day before him. It is hard to recall what consumed by being before loving him and missing him did. What was I like before my son died? Ill never be her again. I wouldn't trade my time for Mateo to have her back. I also can't be this person I am right now forever. He is allowed to always be a part of me. His grief is not.

Tomorrow the world moves forward in that way that it seems to know how to do so well. Cupcakes will be eaten and babies will be born and someone will buy a copy of What To Expect and be elated about it. I will go about my day knowing to expect anything, be grateful for anything, and missing my baby.