You have your own way. For you, this way of living is the absolute right way. Honor it. One of the most influential sources of peace is simply being comfortable with who you really are. Not trading your reality for a role, or your truth for an act. Not giving up your freedom of thought. Not putting on a mask. There cannot be peace in your external life until you are at peace within yourself, being yourself. It won’t always be easy, but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning your inner spirit.
I got back from a work trip to D.C. today. A friend called to catch up just a couple of hours after I got home and told me "I saw all of your pictures, you look like you had a great time" yes, parts of it were great. Most of it was great. But how do I say I was also counting down the seconds until I could crawl into my bed and cry. That I put my grief on pause, moved it to the back for a couple of days so that I could be present at work, productive on my trip, but that I could also feel it building up. Backing up. Growing and Mounting. Like a child throwing a tantrum the longer I ignored it- the louder it kicked and screamed. Unlike a child throwing a tantrum however it never wore itself out and fell asleep.
These couple of days are the days around my due date. It feels like there is this flashing giant sign hanging over me YOU SHOULD BE PREGNANT. This is around the time I should have brought my baby home from the hospital. Instead I brought him home in casket. What a harsh reality. This is the time when I should have brought my baby home. Days feel surreal. I am so tired. It is as though I cannot get enough sleep, I never feel well rested. I think my soul is tired. My cells are tired. Every ounce of my being is tired. This pain is so heavy and exhausting. Rest cannot fix it. Only unloading it can.
My life right now is a life of grief. There is pain and sadness and pure and utterly unadulterated exhaustion. I will honor it. I do not pretend to be anything else because I smile in a picture. In that moment when I smiled, I felt like smiling. In the moment I feel like crying, I felt like crying- the difference is I don't take pictures of that moment and put it on Facebook. If people saw me cry more would they believe me when I say " I miss my baby"? Would they stop believing me the next time they saw me laugh? Good thing I am not in the business of convincing people. Too bad I am in the business of grieving and I need people.
A really sweet friend wrote me today and asked to take me out to lunch this week. Another friend asked if we can do dinner- sit and talk. My mom went and left flowers at Mateo's grave today. I am grateful for these moments of love. Thank You.
These next couple of days I might find myself wanting to be alone more. To spend time with my pain as I figure out how to unload it. Please feel free to reach out to me, I am not so strong that I do not need support and friends and love. This is the week I should have brought my baby home. I never will and it breaks my heart.
*Recommended Read The Untethered Soul
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