Grief does not change you, It reveals you

Grief does not change you... It reveals you.”--John Green (The Fault in Our Stars)

I have been keeping busy. I do things it seems all of the time these days. I haven't had as much time to sit in silence and with my grief lately. It doesn't mean I need to any less these days, I just haven't been as good at managing my time. When I don't spend time with my thoughts, my feelings, my pain it crawls up in other places, in other spaces. It is strange to be in this transitionary period. It is as though my life is holding its breath and waiting on my cue to exhale. Where do I go now? Who am I now? What do I do with my life when I can't trust it anymore? I spent some time with a15 year old this weekend. He seemed so alive, so energetic. He made a joke about being able to outrun danger. He feels invincible. He lives without fear of mortality. I live with enough of it for both of us, for all of us.

A little while ago I blogged about The Five Things, I started with I'm Sorry, and then I Forgive You. Today I will share number three I Love You

Dear Mateo,

I love you. I love you with depth I never knew possible. Every cell in my body loves you. My whole entire being, everything I am and ever will be loves you. Truly, deeply loves you. To be connected to someone at this level, at this physical level- my body is your body. To be connected at the spiritual level- your being created in my being. When I held you in my arms, for the first time, for the last time, I was overcome with love. It didn't matter that I was holding you as you were dying, I was holding you and it was glorious. I want to envelop myself in this love. I want to build a house in it and reside there. I want to create from the love I have for you. I will never love anyone the way I love you. Our love has a unique fingerprint. Cannot be replicated or replaced. Our love is our own. You are the love of my life my little guy....

Grief does not change you. It reveals you. I am being revealed. Unraveled in front of the world. On display and being asked to prove- what kind of person do you become when you are faced with loss of such magnitude? What kind of person am I to get out of bed every day? To not join my son? What kind of person when shattered, attempts to recreate something from the broken pieces? I am now made up of broken pieces. What kind of person does grief reveal me to be? I cannot say yet. I am being revealed minute by minute and when it is all said and done I hope to be able to be proud of the person I've created, piece by painstaking piece.