This week I started going to a 7 week course offered by the hospital on grieving child loss, the HEAL Group. I was hesitant about signing up because I felt like it is geared towards couples, and I am not a couple. I am the only single mom in any of the support groups I attend, at least that I know of. But I decided to try any way and if I was really uncomfortable I just wouldn't go back. The day of the first class was so super hectic, I was late out of a previous meeting, I put the wrong address in the GPS, it was raining. I almost turned around and went home, telling myself you can do it the next time they offer it. But I made it. And when I sat down, all out of breath and stressed and tired and the man who hosts this group started to share what grief means to him, I could feel myself settling back into my body. Like a plant thirty for water, my cells perked up and pleaded for knowledge. My need to understand grief and how to live with it is insatiable. It being my silent life partner, sometimes taking up all the space in my mind, in the room, in the world. How do I live with something like that? So this man starts to describe grief as he sees it and has experienced it and cultivated a curriculum around it. And he describes grief as a wound. A wound I understand. My grief at first feeling exposed and raw and so incredibly painful, a gaping wound in my soul. So he asked, how do you treat a wound? You take care of it. You tend to it. You put medicine on it. The ultimate goal being- the smallest scar possible. Wounds heal, so therefore so can my grief. My grief might heal but I am and always will be undeniably scarred.
The question "How do you parent a child that is no longer with us?" Was asked. I am still a parent. I will always be Mateo's mother. To create a child, let him grow inside if you and have his needs be your needs, his life and development completely in your hands- that is parenting. I have mentioned before that just because my baby is gone doesn't mean my desire to be a mom is gone. I felt so validated when in the teacher made a comment almost verbatim. He followed it by asking How do you parent this child now that he's gone? This is what we will explore in this class.
This weekend I spent some time with a friend from the grief group. First of all, I have to say that apparently child loss only happens to the nicest people in the world. The couples who come into these meetings and groups, these women and men, I have yet to meet someone I did not think was painstakingly sweet. All of them. Every last one of them deserved their child, if kindness in your heart was the prerequisite for bringing your baby home. But nothing is owed to us, not even if you are the sweetest couple who has been trying for years, or the sweetest couple who had a wonderful surprise. All of these couples, excited, with nurseries decorated and baby showers thrown. The nicest people ever with the emptiest arms imaginable. So with that said, I spent some time with a friend I made through my support group. Most of her support system is in another state and we could both use some kinship. This week is especially hard for her and so her two best friends flew in from out of state to spend time with her. It was so incredibly sweet to witness. They love her so much. It is undeniable. They took the week off work to be by her side. To lay in bed with her and keep her company. How blessed she is to be loved so. I once read this article about elephants, when a baby elephant dies all the women in their group come together and surround the mother. They caress her with their trunks, they grieve with her and stand by her side for as long as she needs them. This is what that felt like. I am grateful to have been allowed into their circle and limited time together. I felt cared for by osmosis. It made me realize just how much you need people during your grief. People who want to do nothing but hold your hand and honor your loss with you. While no one is offering to spend a week in my company ( though I would welcome it) I do recognize all the ways people in my life have stood by my side. I have been shown love in so many different ways and my heart hurts with gratitude at the thought. I will add this weekend to the list. Maybe I didn't cultivate the kind if friendships where people lay in bed with me and hold my hand, and maybe I can try to be better in the future. Still I am loved in the ways that I am and I was reminded of just how important it is to have women by your side.
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