March of Dimes and things of a similar nature

Take in your grief in small workable pieces. One by one, piece by piece. For if you were to try and take it all in at once I believe you would go insane. Mad. Bonkers. So, in order to avoid pure unadulterated insanity, take in your grief in small workable pieces. Sit with each piece. Honor the first as much as the last. Every piece matters and deserves the time and respect of being processed. I think of the morning after Mateo passed away. If on that morning I could have truly wrapped my head around all of it, most of, more than my little piece, I'd never had made it. This method of healing is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it protects you from madness. A curse because at every turn it seems one uncovers a new piece. Whenever I start to come to terms with one facet of my pain another piece is released, ready to be sat with. It is exhausting. I want to stop uncovering pieces but if given the choice Ill take this path over denial or insanity.

This weekend a group of people who love me and I walked in the Central Florida March of Dimes 5k. I do not cease to be humbled by the outpouring of love and support from so many people. You know whats eye opening? The people I thought would be there for me have bowed out for many reasons. But so many more people have supported me in more ways than I can count. Thank You. You know who you are. I am eternally grateful. One of the surprising acts of support came from the Peace Corps staff in Peru. They raised more money than I would have ever asked for and on Saturday showed solidarity from Peru by wearing Team Mateo Shirts they made. Here is part of the letter I wrote in response..

Dear Carmen and Cuerpo de Paz Team Mateo

Thank you so much for the support. The walk on Saturday was moving and inspiring. Over 6,000 people came together in Orlando to walk in hopes of ending premature labor and infant death. I hope that in my lifetime I will witness the medical advancements necessary so that other mothers may be spared the loss of a child as I have endured. But even if science never catches up with nature, then at the very least I hope March of Dimes investment in education meets it halfway. Sometimes I am asked if anything good has come from this experience. There is nothing good about losing a baby. I cannot describe what it is like to watch your baby take his last breath. But there is something good about people. People who come together and hold me up when I cannot do it alone. Good people who honor baby Mateo whether its through sponsoring a walk or holding my hand. Thank you for your kindness. I feel like I gave so much of myself as a Peace Corps volunteer and I did with no expectations of what's in it for me? Having walked away from my service with such a wonderful support system through all of you teaches me that I underestimated the value of a giving heart shown through hard working hands. I gave of me, but I have gotten so much more in return, including all of your love. For that I am changed and forever grateful.

With a humble heart
Anita


Oh Life...


Sometimes, in the midst of working through frustrations, it's possible to glimpse the truth that, though I'm frustrated, not everything is frustrating. Sometimes, in the midst of sadness, it's possible to glimpse that, though I'm sad, not everything is sad. 

A Question to Walk With: Identify a mood of frustration or sadness that you are currently struggling with. Without denying or minimizing your frustration or sadness, let your mind and heart open beyond your struggle and describe, if you can, life around you that is not frustrating or sad. What does it feel like to allow both to take up space in your mind and heart at the same time?- Mark Nepo